Long time, no craic

Howdy,
Well I couldn't even tell you how long ago I supposedly decided I'd post everyday...that lasted long! Anyway, in that time I've come extremely close to relapsing-bad times.
I've allowed myself to do something, I never even did in the absolute DEPTHS of anorexia; I counted my fruit and veg calories. I have never allowed myself to do this before, and for 2 weeks now, I've done nothing but it. The amount of calories I've worked myself up to in the past 4 months, now INCLUDES the fruit and veg calories which had been extras, so i estimate I have in fact dropped my intake by like 300/400 odd calories, which, I can't afford at all.
I finally lost all that SHITE water-weight I was carrying and made me feel disgusting, and I haven't gained anything now in almost 3 weeks; a wee part of me is ofcourse ecstatic at that, but the bigger part of me knows that's not on. I've been waiting almost a month now on the dietician I'm supposed to see- my medical profile which was sent to her, now has 2 'urgent' stamps on it, and still no letter... I had possibly the worst weekend I've had in a looooooooooooooooong time, struggling to eat almost every mouthful (i did eat all tho it just took me a lot longer to sych myself up)
I've stopped exercising now tho, because I know the calorie-drop is a rediculously dangerous thing to have done and I can't afford to work off anything. The only exercise I get now I running from one bus stop to the next, and ofcourse, being a performing arts student, all the running around and dancey stuff we do in college.
I'm also starting a yoga class tonight which i should be FAR more ecstatic about, but to tell the truth, I'm unbelievably nervous: people will see my body and judge it. People will see my body in all sorts of awkward weird shapes and weird angles and I'm just not looking forward to that at all. I keep tryna remind myself that it'll help me relax. The stress of assessments in college and on the verge of relapsing isn't exactly having a nice affect on my IBS.
GRRRRRRRRR
Here's today's eats anyway,

BREAKFAST
-Bowl of porridge
-Apple

LUNCH
-Wholemeal Bap with strawberry Jam and 1/2 a sliced banana
-Slice of Wholemeal Bread with Peanut Butter and the other 1/2 of the banana, sliced

DINNER
-Quorn red onion burger (actually feel quite sick after this...never again)
-Ketchup
-200g Broccoli
-Vanilla yoghurt with dark chocolate sprinkles

SUPPER (will be)
-30g Honey Loops and 100ml semi-skimmed milk
-EITHER a wild blueberry yoghurt and bowl of melon and pineapple OR weetabix+hot chocolate


I just feel that if the dietician TOLD me that i HAVE to eat 3000cals a day and devised a plan for me, I would do it because, it's "what the doctor says" you know??
The waiting-list must be very high, but it's not like a 'wee' procedure or medical problem that can AFFORD to wait a couple of months, is it like? It's my fucking life.
Three FUCKING times I was asked today, "I'm making pasta bolognese for dinner (for the family) would you not take just a wee bit?.....just a wee bowl.....a tiny mouthful?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Pasta and cheese are my fear-foods, but in saying that, I've NEVER EVER liked cheese, even when i was a child i detested it.

Sorry for the depression!
I'm off to Yoga!
I promise I'll try and post more regularly.

A not-so-rosy-Rose xoxoxox