Well, I've finally managed to do it! 2 days ago, I increased by 200calories and today, I will increase by a further 100calories: I'm scared shitless obviously, but (this'll sound really cheezy or something) but I can actually FEEL that 'change' I longed for: I'm now finding myself more upset, not because I'm depressed and damaging myself, but BECAUSE I let myself become depressed and I damaged my body so much and I've realised just how many things anorexia robbed off me in the past 3 years and it's time I was ME again, andNOT anorexia!
So, here's yesterday's eats (will increase by 100cals today)
BREAKFAST
-Chocolate + Original porridge mixed together (equivelent of 2 bowls)
-Royal Gala Apple
SNACK
-Cucumber
LUNCH
-2 Wholemeal Bread slices, with strawberry Jam
-Banana
-Pineapple
DINNER
-Bowl of Baked Beans
-2 Slices of Wholemeal bread (one with P'Butter, the other with Nutella!!!)
-Melon
SUPPER
-30g Honey Loops + 100ml semi-sk milk
-Bowl of Honey-porridge
-3/4 of an Apple
And......I didn't feel 'guilty'; that's what my biggest fear lately was, it wasn't the actual eating of the food (like it has always been) it was the fear that I would feel even more disgusting afterwards! THE GREATEST FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF!!!
But, I didn't feel disgusting afterwards, just more full obviously, and I guess I should be quite proud of myself, I've eaten in 2 days, more than I used to eat in 5days-a week!!! Well done me!
Today, I was considering just increasing by 50cals, but I think it really needs to be 100 cals, it's my birthday in a couple of weeks and I've set myself the goal of eating a slice of cake on my birthday (No cake on my 16th, 17th or 18th birthdays-all VERY important birthdays!!!!) so, let's make 19 a triple-special one!!!
Also, my dad has booked a holiday for himself, my mum and me to go to NYC in August!!! Cannot actually WAIT! I've been to America 3 times before, but never to NYC so I'm SUPER excited! My mission is to buy several Larabars and Cliff bars, because I read SEVERAL meal-posts everyday on CC and I'm frustrated that you guys in America can make up your calories with nice-tasting bars and here, you can only get 'Apple pie' and pecan pie flavour, neither of which I'd be too interested in! I'd like to taste the cocoa and cookie ones...have to wait to August! Deg nibbit! anyhoo, I have to go have a VERY early lunch now, I have a class at 1pm and by the time I get home from it, it'll be dinner-time, so I gotta squish breakfast and lunch times closer together! oh well, Thursday class is my 'Voice and Speech for the Actor' class-MY FAVOURITE!
We're doing out next assessment/performance on location in a club in the city, in full 70s costume, hair etc... should be GREAT craic!
I'll update later with today's menu and I'm actually loving the way a lot of people actually take pictures of their meals, mmmm might try that myself!
Keep on schmilin!!
100 cals up aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xoxo
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Congrats on your calorie increases! I just upped by 200 myself, so don't worry. You aren't alone. I know it can be scary, but you are doing the right thing - you are doing what you need to get your life back. I'm super happy for you - that cake goal is going to be quite the accomplishment. When I was 16, I did acutally ahve my brithday cake. Unfortunately, I punished myself wickedly for several days before and after. So lets say cheers to both of us truly being able to celebrate our birthdays this year - your nineteenth and my twenty-first, eh?
ReplyDeleteBTW in terms of larabars - the apple pie and pecan pie are actually quite tasty. They're two of my faves. Nonetheless, its great that you have something to look forward to this summer! I've never left the country before.
And don't fret over the hundred calories there dear. I promise - 100 isn't even a drop in the bucket actually as far as the grand scheme of things.
Hope you have a good weekend, and take care of yourself.
~Tori