Rollercoasters....

Well, tomorrow, is my one last day in my LIFE ( hopefully) that I will eat less than the recommended daily intake for a healthy woman, yip: I'm going to see my dietician on Thursday.
I have tried and perservered the past 2 weeks, I built myself up day by day to 1500 calories, which lasted 2 days before anorexia came screaming back, and letting myself off 20 calories one night (because I was too full to eat anymore) turned into 50 calories the next night, and 80 calories the next.
HOWEVER, I DID gain 2lbs this week....obviously not exactly PLEASED about that, but in a way I do realise it's necessary and that I can gain a further 2 stone before I'll be considered healthy. Also, I gained nothing last week, so I'm tryna think of it as an 'even-ing out' of 2 weeks.
I'm almost the weight I was the first time I reached 'my lowest' (then recovered for a few months, then reached my all-time-lowest in December past). I have gained about 6 lbs which I know I should be extremely proud of, but it's just when I see those 6lbs in the mirror that things go bad again. Bad times.

So, tonight I'm feeling kinda down (as horrible as it sounds) because tomorrow is my last day of an anorexic's diet....I know that sounds like sucha horrible thing to be sad about, but I won't lie,
I'm fully shiting myself about what kind of meal plan my dietician will give me.
I'm also finding it extremely difficult this week, because my kitchen is getting a face lift: there's food in the living room, in the fridge which is in the hall, our small kitchen appliances are strewn everywhere, and it therefore takes twice as long to make a meal, and with my OCD tendencies it's extremely difficult not being able to make my meals where and the way I like to. I'm also having to eat them in a smaller room with more people, not good. I am trusted to eat my meals alone, and my mum is usually flying in and out of the kitchen (where i usually eat my meals), but now, everyone is in the living all the time, regardless of what they're doing and one of my hardest trials is eating infront of people.

Anyway, this will be my last post of an anorexic-diet, when I return, it will be with a proper meal-plan and I think I'll start posting pictures like so many of the blogs I read have, I think it might help me look at food in a nicer way; they deserve being photographed because they'll help me be healthy :D

It's also 5 days to my birthday now, and I am determined to have a (allbeit small) slice of cake!
Naturally, I have it picked and I'll want to be the one to cut it, I can't seem to trust others with my food at all...all in good time. Needless to say, I won't be going out for dinner or anything!

So, until the next phase of my recovery,
Slán :D