Bad, bad, BAD morning

I'll warn you guys now...this is NOT gonna be a cheerful post, so please ignore if you wish!

I was too scared to weigh myself the past 2 weeks, because my 1st week on a proper

weight-gain meal plan resulted in me gaining almost 3lbs.

I have a very low thyroid function which lets me gain weight VERY easily....not amused.

I have been in recovery since December 2008, which started me on 500 calories a day.

Over time, this was slowly increased to 1100 calories, then i saw the dietician to

bumped it WAY up to a proper weight-gain amount.

I realise a large % of it could be waterweight, but, all week I had noticed SUCH a

change in my body...I KNEW what weight it looked like...I just knew it. So, I had been

severely depressed all week, knowing what weight I must have been, but never

confirmed it by stepping on the scales.

I did it about an hour ago tho....and, since December [6months] I have gained a stone.

You'd think I'd be happy about this, but anorexia broke free from that wee box I'd

tried to trap it in the past few weeks and has reaked havoc this morning.

I just cried and cried and, I told my mum I don't want to go out today and she said,

"don't let it beat you...don't you let it win!"

But, I'm weak today, I've let her win already by weighing myself, knowing there could

be NO positive outcome.

I don't think I'm going to go out today, it's sunday and I'm usually getting ready to go

to church right now, [may I just add-purely to please my mother, I get nothing out of going...]

My BMI is 17.7 now, and will, no doubt by next week be 18.5

I don't want to go to church and have people stare at me, and think

"fuck, she's a hell of alot fatter than last year!"

I don't want anyone lookin at me, I want to stay in my room all day, lie on my bed and

eat nothing...the latter of which is of course NOT an option...my mum wouldn't have

it, but the first is certainly an option..one that's all to easy I know, but apart from

feeling like a fat shite, it's raining, as always and I H.A.T.E getting wet and cold with a

PASSIOn! GRRRRRR

I'm going to get dressed, and if i look too fat, I'm not going.

What's also upsetting me, is, my 3-week break from my boyfriend, ends today, and I

forgot to say. his grandmother died last week and I went to her funeral ofcourse, but I

subtley triedto suss out if we were going to end the break on the due-date by saying,

"so, what's happening this weekend?"

he rattled off what he's doing from dawn to dusk friday, saturday and today and didn't

mention anything about us, other than he said "i haven't had much time to myself at

all" which he was supposed to MAKE time for, so he could sit and think and figure out

what he wanted, but ofcourse he didn't.

But why the FUCK should I be the one grovelling, ringing him to see when we're

gonna meet up that's all I've done for the past fucking 3 years and I'm NOT doing it

now. It upsets me though, that I can't tell my best friend (him) that I've reached my

first goal weight, to be honest, I don't want ANYONE knowing, I told my mum

ofcourse so she can tell the doctor but, my BF the only person ON THIS EARTH that

I feel NO shame in telling ANYTHING to!

and, part of me wants to tell him, for the comfort and reassurance that it's a good

thing, but the other bitter-er part tells me, he should be the one ringing me...

Enough of my rants!

Sorry to bore you all guys and if I bummed anyone out-DOUBLEY sorry!

Rose xoxo