"...dream a little dream of me..."
Dia dhuit! [hello in Irish]
That's my supper from last night, GOOD quality photos this time!
It was the same as I posted a while ago, honey loops, with vanilla yoghurt and
strawberries....YUM!
I finally washed and used the beautiful new digital kitchen scales I got for my
birthday, and thank God, because turns out what i THOUGHT looked like 30g of
cereal, turned out to be about 9g...yip, so the calories i thought I was getting from that
weren't even genuine...it's hard to judge with little hoops of cereal, as opposed to
flakes of cereal ya know?
Anyhoo, I know I'm posting two days in a row?? what is that about!! haha
and I'm posting pretty early in the day, but I just felt like I needed to vent.
I'm fucking sick of everything....sick of couting calories, sick of eating, sick of
feeling like SHITE, sick of living like a hermit, sick of crying, sick of feeling HUGE...
I could go on, but I won't bore you guys to tears moaning.
I did a very bad thing today, I went into town to buy a cheap pair of jeans because
my skinny-'good'-jeans don't fit me anymore (no longer the size of a 9-10 year old!)
but, I didn't want to spend too much on something that isn't gonna fit me soon so,
I went into the H&M childrens section, like I always do, and lifted 3 pairs of
jeans, in a size I KNEW wouldn't fit me, COULDN'T fit me and I tried them on.
*world comes crashing down*
I actually left town at 10.30am and went home, because I felt like sucha fat shite.
Ok, the jeans technically 'fitted', they closed but were far too tight for my liking
(i'm not used to 'skinny' jeans, being skinny on me!) and from H&M to the bus
stop, all I could think about was, doing my christmas shopping last December
in jeans that were the smallest women's size available, and having to stop every few
seconds to
YANK them up...people were actually staring at me, I musta looked like such an old
woman. and I kept thinking to myself, I'll never again feel that thin....and God help
me, it's probably my most favourite feeling in the world, better than feeling happy,
better
than any physical or sexual feeling, better than living I guess, and that's the
dangerous part really isn't it?
Sorry if this is in anyway triggering to anyone, please tell me and I'll remove it!
I guess my feelings are nothing new at all, every recovering anorexic, everywhere
feels exactly the same things, has exactly the same thoughts and triggers and
just has to learn to accept everything, even though right now it just seems fucking
impossible!!!
Can I just thank those who left truly heartfelt and just lovely messages on my last
post...you couldn't have timed such niceness any better than today!
I know this was a short and sour post...sorry you guys, If I'm feeling better later on
I'll try and post something more cheerful!
Stay strong everybody!!
Love,
Rose xoxo
Dia dhuit! [hello in Irish]
That's my supper from last night, GOOD quality photos this time!
It was the same as I posted a while ago, honey loops, with vanilla yoghurt and
strawberries....YUM!
I finally washed and used the beautiful new digital kitchen scales I got for my
birthday, and thank God, because turns out what i THOUGHT looked like 30g of
cereal, turned out to be about 9g...yip, so the calories i thought I was getting from that
weren't even genuine...it's hard to judge with little hoops of cereal, as opposed to
flakes of cereal ya know?
Anyhoo, I know I'm posting two days in a row?? what is that about!! haha
and I'm posting pretty early in the day, but I just felt like I needed to vent.
I'm fucking sick of everything....sick of couting calories, sick of eating, sick of
feeling like SHITE, sick of living like a hermit, sick of crying, sick of feeling HUGE...
I could go on, but I won't bore you guys to tears moaning.
I did a very bad thing today, I went into town to buy a cheap pair of jeans because
my skinny-'good'-jeans don't fit me anymore (no longer the size of a 9-10 year old!)
but, I didn't want to spend too much on something that isn't gonna fit me soon so,
I went into the H&M childrens section, like I always do, and lifted 3 pairs of
jeans, in a size I KNEW wouldn't fit me, COULDN'T fit me and I tried them on.
*world comes crashing down*
I actually left town at 10.30am and went home, because I felt like sucha fat shite.
Ok, the jeans technically 'fitted', they closed but were far too tight for my liking
(i'm not used to 'skinny' jeans, being skinny on me!) and from H&M to the bus
stop, all I could think about was, doing my christmas shopping last December
in jeans that were the smallest women's size available, and having to stop every few
seconds to
YANK them up...people were actually staring at me, I musta looked like such an old
woman. and I kept thinking to myself, I'll never again feel that thin....and God help
me, it's probably my most favourite feeling in the world, better than feeling happy,
better
than any physical or sexual feeling, better than living I guess, and that's the
dangerous part really isn't it?
Sorry if this is in anyway triggering to anyone, please tell me and I'll remove it!
I guess my feelings are nothing new at all, every recovering anorexic, everywhere
feels exactly the same things, has exactly the same thoughts and triggers and
just has to learn to accept everything, even though right now it just seems fucking
impossible!!!
Can I just thank those who left truly heartfelt and just lovely messages on my last
post...you couldn't have timed such niceness any better than today!
I know this was a short and sour post...sorry you guys, If I'm feeling better later on
I'll try and post something more cheerful!
Stay strong everybody!!
Love,
Rose xoxo
Oh this post made me feel for you! You are just going through a rough patch, you have to stay strong, hon!
ReplyDeleteI no longer fit into some of my jeans, and at first it killed me. But then I realized.. was I as free as I am now when I fit into those jeans? NO! Because I had to MAKE myself fit into those jeans, not the other way around. Life shouldn't be surrounding weight or calories or anything.
The only reason you need to count calories now is so that you can get to a point where you don't have to count calories anymore (healthy weight)
Just keep your chin up high. i have faith in you, love.
hey hun i really fel your pain! I no it's stupid but i reaaly miss ot having to pull up my teeny jeans. Its awful isnt it. I mean, my size 8 jeans just look so huge ow and i remember looking at them once ad thinking how small they were. There is no way that wecan possibly be fat its just stupid ed fucking up our heads again! You are doing so well so dont let the cereal situation get you down. Ur eats look yummy :) much love xxx
ReplyDeletehi.
ReplyDeleteOr you could just think that we ain't no 9 or 10 years old anymore? I admit that kind of feeling is awful. But its funny how ed makes us think it looks nice(when in reality its not) I probably can't gave much advise since Im also stuck. I just want to let you know that you are never alone in this. We can do SO much better than what ED "forces" us to.
stay strong girl. :)