A picturesque Pitta

TAAAA-DAAAAAA

Heh guys :)

Guess who finally remembered to take a picture of BOTH her breakfast AND dinner? (well parts

of them..and i forgot to bring my camera downstairs so the pictures are all fuzzy thanks to my

shitey phone, but atleast I remembered!! YEO!)

For breakfast this morning, I had chocolate oats! YUM-to-the-MEE!! I sure you guys know the

story, oats, milk, water, cocoa... ya's are all pros after all!

My snacks and remainder of my breakfast, dinner etc, weren't very photogenic, but I had an
apple dipped in melted peanut butter along with my oats, for my AM snack: I had a pancake

with strawberry jam, Lunch: peanut butter wholemeal sandwich with banana, vanilla yoghurt

with chocolate drops and 3 ginger snaps, PM Snack [early at like 1pm cus I was FREEZIN!]

white hot chocolate...mmmmmmm and then for my picturesque dinner!

I had a wholemeal pitta bread, stuffed with quorn mince, cooked in bolognese sauce, with

tomatoes and onions and a bowl of baked beans and some Irish potato bread [have you guys

ever tasted potato bread??] , with jam and a vanilla yoghurt.

For supper, I'm planning on honey loops cereal, topped off with vanilla yoghurt and strawberries

and, either a smoothie or a banana dipped in melted peanut butter.

Now, not too bad with eats today I reckon...emotionally is another story altogether!

I woke up feeling very bloated, uncomfortable and just minging. I have been getting very

bad (what i think might be) period cramps for a few days now, and my bee-stings (breasts)

have been quite tender and sore, but, when I was at my current weight, about a year ago,

every month I would get the period-like cramps and become bloated and my period still

didn't come. Now, since being at my lowest weight, I didn't experience any out of the ordinary

monthly cramps (just the regular my-body-screaming-for-nourishment-cramps), but having

now put on weight and having reached my previously lowest weight, I've started getting them

again, but I dunno what it is, but somehow I don't think it's gonna come anyway. I don't

deserve to be fertile after what I've put my body through, and continue to in some ways.

The morning was ok kinda, I decided to do 10MINUTES of exercise, [i swear that's ALL I let

myself do], but even in that 10 minutes, I began getting severe chest pains and stopped.

GRRRRRR I can't even do a little exercise to make myself feel a little better can i?

It's just been getting to me because you can actually SEE my weight gain now, ok, my mum

and others say they can't honestly see anything, but they never see me naked, and it's then

that you can notice it. It upsets me from the second I'm half-awake too, because [don't think

me gross] but when i'm beginning to wake up, my first move of the day is running my hands

all over my body [a routine I HAD to do every morning during the depths of anorexia to make

sure the APPLE or sumthin I'd had the day before hadn't suddenly formed an apple-shaped

mound on my body...silly, silly girl] and every morning now, I have to search a LITTLE

deeper for certain bones and there's new 'insulation' in other places and...it's just hard to deal

with. I HAVE to admit tho, I haven't been HALF as cold! I've put a bit on, on my ribs I think,

keeping them away from the chill. Altho, in saying that, it has been a lot warmer in Ireland,

than in the past few months (accept today, it's raining and windy and just MINGING!)

What's also upsetting me is I bought 2 lovely new vest-tops with my birthday money and I

haven't worn them yet. Maybe I should clarify; when I'm at college, generally I wear baggy

track bottoms and a hoodie of some sort, because somedays we're all over the theatre floor etc.

and the very SECOND I get home from ANYWHERE, I go straight upstairs and change into

baggy track bottoms and a BIG hoodie....and there I stay until it's jammy-time!

Just lookin at some of your blogs, it makes me realise what a fuckin hermit I've become,

you guys all wear such beautiful clothes in your houses and make such an effort everyday and I

just hide in my trackies! I guess I figure, noones gonna look at me in the house, so why shouldn't

I wear what's comfortable. I must tho, getting myself into this routine and frame of mind has

been quite damaging, anytime I DO have to put on proper clothes now, I feel so over-dressed!

Like jeans, a tshirt and a jacket seems over-dressed on me! There's girls in my college class

who (i shit you NOT!) come in every day, looking STUNNING in dresses and skirts and high

heels, which I would only wear, probably to a wedding or something. They just want to make

themselves feel beautiful, and rightly so! why not?? I wish I had the confidence and self-love

to treat my body to something lovely to show off.

I have thee most BEAUTIFUL dress in my wardrobe which I actually bought as a costume

for a play but OMG it is BEAUTIFUL and I would LOVE to wear it, to a club or something, but

alas, no confidence for that I'm afraid.

My childhood best friend is on holiday atm, but when she comes back, I've promised her we'll

have a night out together.... shit scared, yes, but I'm more worried about how I'll fix my meals!!

Going out means I'd miss my supper and it's like my FAVOURITE meal of the day, because

it's just before bed and I feel that, ok, I feel sooo full right now, but then I go to sleep and I

don't have to sit and feel so full ya know??

Anyway, enough of my rants,

I'm so rude; thank you all SOO SOOO SOOOOOOOOO MUCH for the lovely comments you

left me, they were VERY encouraging and just really lovely and thank you for taking the time

to write them! Shucks!

I was wondering, does anyone have any tips/advice on how to relax when eating in public?

It's one of my BIGGEST problems...I usually end up crying or something because I just can't

handle people watching me (AND that's not just me being paranoid, my friends have even

said to me "why is he staring at you? dya want me to go say something?" I guess it's because

the whole college knew me from september-december as the 'anorexic girl who never eats

lunch' and from january I had to start eating lunch obv. and everyone was like WTF????

Why am I so concerned with other peoples' opinions of me? Why oh why, oh why???

Hope everyone has had a good days eats anyway!!

Slán

Rose xoxo