Hello all :)
Well, week one on weight-gain diet is over, thank ****!!!
I gained a pound, but, I have a body-analyser scale which tells you which % of your weight is fat and which is water (no muscle reading unfortunately) and my body fat didn't go up at ALL-meaning, I may have only gained a pound or so of water, or perhaps muscle?? I don't know, I didn't let it get me too down tho, because I knew I hadn't gained any fat, which I know is bad, but I'm sure everyone else is the same- that wee tiny part of you is SO relieved when you don't gain too?? I think my period MIGHT also come back soon, but it's hard to distinguish now between period-cramps and the usual cramps- I worked out, had I got pregnant the last time I hada period, my baby would have been born already!!
Well, week one on weight-gain diet is over, thank ****!!!
I gained a pound, but, I have a body-analyser scale which tells you which % of your weight is fat and which is water (no muscle reading unfortunately) and my body fat didn't go up at ALL-meaning, I may have only gained a pound or so of water, or perhaps muscle?? I don't know, I didn't let it get me too down tho, because I knew I hadn't gained any fat, which I know is bad, but I'm sure everyone else is the same- that wee tiny part of you is SO relieved when you don't gain too?? I think my period MIGHT also come back soon, but it's hard to distinguish now between period-cramps and the usual cramps- I worked out, had I got pregnant the last time I hada period, my baby would have been born already!!
I'm not gonna lie it's been sooooo tough: I haven't been able to stick to my meal plan food-for-food, because my IBS has been CHRONIC, partly I think because of all the new fats and my body adjusting to them and partly ofcourse, because of stress which apparently is like the main trigger for most IBS sufferers. I have a SQUILLION and one exams/assessments these past 3 weeks, and I'm almost done, just 2 MOFO papers left to write then I'll be FINITO!!!!! YEO!
I shouldn't really have been in college these past few months, I was supposed to rest and recuperate, but, (call it bad if you like) I've never let the two parts of my life collide: my ED was in fact my driving force in my school work; I studied 14 hours a day, most days, never let myself rest, never went out, never did anything BUT study, all in my quest for perfection in everything. And indeed, I left school with the highest marks possible: still ofcourse, never ever convinced I was actually good enough at anything. But anyway, I never let how I was feeling affect my work, no matter how more damage it did to my body and mind. I've got top grades, and a wilting body...bad times.
Anyhoo, I just have the 2 papers left to go then I can do what i was supposed to do all year: REST! But, I've decided I'm not gonna sit in like I did ALL and i mean ALL of last summer (the only time I went out was to exercise compulsively), but this year, I've made a promise to myself that I WILL go out, and my exercise will be that which naturally occurs; walking and having fun with my friends and perhaps a swim or two, if I'm up to it by then (i still get severe chest pains anytime I exercise longer than 10mins...) When I'm strong enough, I do want to start going back to the gym-NOOOO cardio obviously, just muscle-training!
I've stopped going to Yoga, I know that's bad, but I wasn't getting any benefit from it: the instructor woman was CRAZY and it really WAS a beginners class; doing simple positions, most of which I had done in PE class when I was like 13, and it was only like £3 a lesson so I didn't lose that much money.
I forgot to write in my last blog (entitled '..break ups') what the actual 'break-up' part was, I'm sucha SPOON! My boyfriend and I (of 4 years) have decided to have another break (we've taken 2 previous ones) I won't bore you all with the details, but we both just needed a little break; there's talk of making it permanent, and all week I've been thinking about it and God help me, I just CANNOT decide what I want: you don't stay with someone 4 years and not form an unbelievable closeness, but then there's a hell of a lot of issues that I don't think can be resolved, and it's deciding whether to just go on for another few years, putting up with the shit I hate, or cutting loose now and be alone, which is perhaps what I need but don't necessarily want. What i REALLY want is for us to be like we were when we were 14/15, BLISSFULLY happy, then a SHIT load happened to us both individually and thjose things, unfortunately affected our relationship and I really can't see them being resolved....
Anyhoo, I just have the 2 papers left to go then I can do what i was supposed to do all year: REST! But, I've decided I'm not gonna sit in like I did ALL and i mean ALL of last summer (the only time I went out was to exercise compulsively), but this year, I've made a promise to myself that I WILL go out, and my exercise will be that which naturally occurs; walking and having fun with my friends and perhaps a swim or two, if I'm up to it by then (i still get severe chest pains anytime I exercise longer than 10mins...) When I'm strong enough, I do want to start going back to the gym-NOOOO cardio obviously, just muscle-training!
I've stopped going to Yoga, I know that's bad, but I wasn't getting any benefit from it: the instructor woman was CRAZY and it really WAS a beginners class; doing simple positions, most of which I had done in PE class when I was like 13, and it was only like £3 a lesson so I didn't lose that much money.
I forgot to write in my last blog (entitled '..break ups') what the actual 'break-up' part was, I'm sucha SPOON! My boyfriend and I (of 4 years) have decided to have another break (we've taken 2 previous ones) I won't bore you all with the details, but we both just needed a little break; there's talk of making it permanent, and all week I've been thinking about it and God help me, I just CANNOT decide what I want: you don't stay with someone 4 years and not form an unbelievable closeness, but then there's a hell of a lot of issues that I don't think can be resolved, and it's deciding whether to just go on for another few years, putting up with the shit I hate, or cutting loose now and be alone, which is perhaps what I need but don't necessarily want. What i REALLY want is for us to be like we were when we were 14/15, BLISSFULLY happy, then a SHIT load happened to us both individually and thjose things, unfortunately affected our relationship and I really can't see them being resolved....
Oh, I've decided to most definately see a therapist; we tried to contact an private ED specialist that my brother knows of (he's a children's social worker and so has loadsa contacts) but that was a few weeks ago and the bastard has just decided to ignore me, so fuck him- I'm gonna ask my GP to put me in contact with someone...I'm finding it hard to deal with the changes to my body and my mind is still all over the show, so I think speaking to someone who I know won't judge me and is just there to help will help immensely. My sister is 14 years older than me, and has had anorexia for like 8/9 years now..she is a lot better and has maintained her weight for the past 2 years or so, but that weight is still far under what it should be. She saw a therapist privately and my mum said I could go see him, but I just don't want to see someone who knows all about my sister's problem, i think he'll constantly be comparing me to her and her problems and I just don't want that, I'll get my own.
My meals have been very bread-orientated this week because of my IBS, I CANNOT have more than a tiny portion of veg... so I haven't been taking too many pictures! There is one of my first chocolate sponge pudding in 4 years tho!! It was yummy, but far too rich to have on a regular basis, I do like choclate but only in moderation I couldn't have loads everyday or anything!
My meals have been very bread-orientated this week because of my IBS, I CANNOT have more than a tiny portion of veg... so I haven't been taking too many pictures! There is one of my first chocolate sponge pudding in 4 years tho!! It was yummy, but far too rich to have on a regular basis, I do like choclate but only in moderation I couldn't have loads everyday or anything!
oh, and mya i just congratulate everyone on their AMAZING looking meals..i need to work on my presentation skills! hahaha
Well, time for mid-AM-snack!
hope everyone has a lovely rest-of-the-weekend! then end is in sight!! (or summer is in sight!
Rose
xoxo
My doctor thinks I may be experiencing IBS as well, it is so painful and uncomfortable! It is farly normal during refeeding though. You jsut gotta push yourself to get your meal plan in! It took me almost 2 weeks to get EVERYTHING down pat. The sooner the better though, because the faster you get your cals in... the faster your metabolism gets back to normal, you know? :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha don't worry about the presentation skills... I think that sponge cake looks delightful!
<3 have a nice Sunday, love.
The four year itch is a bad one. It was after 4 years that my ex and I split up for good (not saying you will though :)
ReplyDeleteOooh that chocolate looks yummy! I can totally relate to trowing yourself into work, I was doing my artwork every god given hour of the day (14 hours!) making sure everything was absolutely perfect. God damn ED! I'm sorry to hear your sister has ana too it must be difficult for you and definitly go and see a therapist, it is so good to be able to speak to someone who doesn't know you.
It most likely is water weight if you have been having a lot of carbs as thats what holds the water. I just made my recent increase in fats and proteins to try and prevent it.
You are doing a great job!
xx
heya :) just caught up on your blog, I love it!
ReplyDeleteI was also very 'high functioning' in the worst of my illness and it feels like such a pain to take a break from work/uni/life and all that to recover, like a step backwards! but I am hoping to give my body time to heal and when I start up again, not only get the grades but be HAPPY doing it :)
glad you're looking into seeing a therapist...hopefully it will really help to deal mentally with all the changes you're making.
as for going heavy on the bread...lol I know what you mean! stomach probs mean I have to cut out a lot of fruit/veg and fibrous stuff. you can try mashed veg? tends to be easier on your digestion. oh and bananas, or dried fruit.
hope all continues to go well
x Fi