Polka dots of confidence...

Heh there :D

That's my supper from last night: 30g Honey Loops, with vanilla yoghurt and sliced strawberries on top: YUM-M-MY; plus i got loadsa calories all in one wee bowl..I'm learning!

I'm not doing great these past few days; I haven't missed one CALORIE tho, I swear, it's just

been very very very hard, because I gained about 2 1/2 lbs in one week...bad times. I know

realistically it's more than likely water weight but still to see such a high number is a wee bit

frightening...ok, I say 'high number' ya know my BMI is still in the 16-range but, my weight's

getting nearer and nearer a certain number which I could NEVER accept myself going over...

and pretty soon, it's gonna reach that big number and then SORE above it...weep!

I know i do nothing but ramble on about my IBS but in all seriousness, it's MESSING my meal

plans up da-fuck!!! All of my meals can't be as nutritionally balanced as they should be because

my body just cannot handle a normal amount of fruit and vegetables. This is unbelievable,

because in the depths of anorexia, I ate nothing BUT fruit and veg and now, I can barely eat any!

GRRRRR.......

I'm also getting quite down about my social life: I complain and feel down that my friends can go

out and hava great time because they have the physical strength and are THAT happy-go-lucky,

then, when they invite me....I make an excuse and say 'no'- what the FLUFF is wrong with me??

I know my anorexia isolated me something shockin, both on my part and on my ex-friends part

(my 'high' school friends) They used to have DVD-nights and sleepovers, and they never invited

me, why? I'm not entirely sure, but I think it was because those nights involved greasy chinese

food, chocolate, sweets and alcohol etc.. all of which they KNEW I was terrified to even place my

hands on or inhale! [yes, in my utter stupidity, I thought even smelling greasy, fattening food

somehow was taking calories into my body] so, I like to think they saw that as a 'nice' gesture,

not inviting me so I didn't have to face all that, but um....if they truly cared, would they not

atleast invite me once, and have a fruit-party or something??

Needless to say, I'm not friends with them anymore, they all moved away to different

universities and colleges and to be honest, I'm really not that bothered. But yes, back to my

problem; I find myself now, wishing I had the drive and confidence to go out with my friends

from college [who are, may I just say, THEE most supportive, understanding, caring,

WONDERFUL friends ANYONE could ask for??- they even sit with me in a wee small group at

lunch in college, just so I don't feel intimidated eating in the canteen with loadsa people..I actually

love them!]

But, for example, a girl I've known since I was THREE asked me to go out to a club tonight to

celebrate her birthday, and I said I wasn't feeling well [NOT a lie but still, an excuse no less!] if I

wasn't still plagued with the remnance of anorexia, would the fun-loving, bubbley, 19 year old,

not JUMP at the chance to go out to a club, dance, have fun with some old friends and just for

a few hours forget about the rest of the SHITE?? But no, I said no....because I was scared.

I wish I had the confidence to get all dressed up, do my hair, put make up on, and maybe, JUST

maybe, feel good about myself? But one HUGE factor of my anorexia was that I just didn't want

to be nice to myself, even still anytime I even put outdoor-clothes and a base-foundation layer

on [for college even] I feel INCREDIBLEY over-dressed [I'm talkin jeans, a tshirt, converse and

a jacket and porcelain-shade foundation] Like isn't that just REDICULOUS???

Then I go on my friends' facebook and bebo profiles, and there's HUNDREDS of photos of them

all in dresses and short skirts and high heels and layers of make up and just lookin STUNNING,

and I wish I had the confidence to do that to myself, altho I think I worry, that even if I do, do all

that, I'll still look and feel horrible, so what's the point??

When I was 14/15 and had just started going out with my boyfriend, I did actually feel gorgeous

(just to toot my own flute :P ) I thought, here's someone who picked wee FAT ME over all my

skinny friends and loves me for me- I used to take loadsa pictures of myself, ya know if my hair

was sitting nice that day or I just felt I looked nice for some reason? Now, I HIDE everytime

someone has a camera, I just feel like I am the LEAST photogenic person; I have insomnia and

I'm obv still very undernourished so, it looks like someone has drawn with black eyeliner

underneath my eyes and, i dunno if anyone else is the same, but I THINK I'm smiling

sometimes, then I look at the after-picture and I wasn't smiling at all?? what is that about??

The last nice pictures taken of me were over a year ago before I had the worst relapse of my life,

I had just finished Grammar School (high school) and my entire year and all our teachers went

out for a meal together (needless to say I ate.......a mouthful of parsnip and nothing else- and

come to think of it, that dinner was £25 fucking pounds and I didn't eat it! GRRRR!)

But I FELT good that night, I was only about a stone and a half underweight then and FELT I

looked nice, I did my hair, nails and tan, I wore a beautiful red and white polka dot dress and

white heels, glitter eye makeup and....I have no idea where all that confidence went! I guess my

body ate it, since I was giving it nothing else to eat!!

I wanna be this girl again:

the girl who actually posed for a photograph!

This does NOT apply to me (in my opinion)- but has anyone else wondered, why on EARTH it's

the conventionally STUNNING people who turn anorexic?? All the girls I know with EDs are

actually beautiful and that's not even being bias! Melt of the BRAIN??


On other news; (not to sound rude :P) but my boobs are ACHING! Meaning, either: my

suspicions that they had gotten a little bigger and are growing are true! OR my period is coming

back! I've also had severe cramps today, but I dunno if that's just IBS, but either way, for

whatever reason they're sore, it's feckin worth it for bigger boobs or being fertile!!! hee hee hee

I may not love being in photos, and the pictures of my meals may not say' she's a photographer'

but, see what you guys think of these!

Beautiful, Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL Ireland!

I'd love to know what you think!!! Please, lemme know!

Anyhoo, I hope every has a lovely rest-of-the-weekend, I always HATED sundays cus I had

SO much work due in on mondays, but i'm FINISHED with written work til september YEO!!!

Hope someone enjoyed reading anyway!!

Keep on schmilin :D

Rose xoxoxo